Kicking Old Habits

The one habit upon which I’ll build this post actually isn’t (wasn’t) mine; it was my dad’s. I heard this story a few years after it happened, when one day I asked him why he stopped.

He used to be a heavy smoker. And from what I’ve heard, smoking’s one of those things that beckons you when you’re stressed. We all have our own escapes, but smoking seems to be a common one.

My dad used to smoke a lot. I would venture to say he used to smoke a pack a day. That’s not record-setting or anything, but it’s definitely not something to be ignored. It will have long-term repercussions on your health.

He used to work closely with his manager, Pascal. And despite what others may say about relationships between an employee and his manager, they were friends. I remember one time we went out on Pascal’s yacht to go fishing. We didn’t (couldn’t) catch anything and ended up eating my mom’s kimbap. I also remember we all sat inside and watched Gangs of New York together (talk about awkward…). They were close enough where my dad felt comfortable bringing his son on a fishing trip with his boss’ wife.

Pascal was diagnosed with lung cancer and eventually died after a long struggle. Yes, he was also a smoker. And on his death bed, one of the last words that Pascal ever told my dad was, “John, stop smoking.” My dad stopped smoking that day.

Moments like these change you. Even a habit that was developed and ingrained over decades can be kicked immediately. Sure, there are old desires, temptations, and drawbacks. And when you see others fully indulging in that old habit of yours, you remember. It doesn’t need to be a bad habit. You just need to feel guilty enough.

 

Have a day.

I did not know the quality of customer service has declined to the point where we, as customers, are faced with discourteous and forceful representatives. What kind of world do we live in? This must stop now.

This thought registered in my mind as I was stepping away from the cashier at a restaurant. It came after this rude, four-word sentence:

“Have a good day.”

Call me crazy, but that’s just insulting.

Why? I can think of three reasons:

First, she was commanding me to do something. I am no puppet. I do not have strings attached to my joints that can move around to the likes of a puppeteer. And if there’s one thing a customer doesn’t like to hear, it is being forced to do something without qualification or reason.

Second, not only did she coerce me, she was calling me to act on something that is not entirely under my control. My day does not go from bad to good on a whim. Oftentimes it is affected (or dictated) by external factors like work, traffic, food, sleep, hairdo, bowel movements, etc. By telling my day to be a certain condition, she was basically implying the impossible. I don’t do impossible. I am not Ethan Hunt.

Lastly (and I find this reason the most insulting), why “good”? I doubt she implied having a morally triumphant day. It’s not like purchasing a burrito swings the tide from evil to good, as if it’s for all the marbles in a spiritual warfare. If giving blessings was the purpose (and I imagine it was), why not wish me the best day? Why not an once-in-a-lifetime kind of day? Throwing in that superlative makes that wish sound so much better. No, no… it makes it the best.

Let me share with you how I would wish someone a certain kind of day:

Insofar as you can help it, please have the best day ever in the history of man because it is better to have this kind of day than any other kind of day. Please try to make it a day that all future generations will look upon with admiration and envy. Let them make monuments and holidays in commemoration of this day. Let even those who have passed on tremble in their graves at the magnitude of your day. Insofar as you can help it, please.

 

Job Search Reflections

Oh, jeez.. my last post was in April? Fail. Actually, I have been meaning to post here since about a month ago when I found out I got a new job.

On second thought, if I remember correctly, I wanted to post this right before I got this new job. Because I wrote this back in mid-June:

Many of you know that I have been searching for a new job. It began about 9 months ago. Well, it’s about to end. I had what is conceivably my last interview for a position I think I would enjoy very much. If I don’t get this, I’m going to fold this chapter of my life and devote myself fully to my current job. Sure, it’s not the most enjoyable, but I think I’ve spent enough time searching for another one. And the opportunity window is closing very fast, if not already. I considered this last job application my last, realistic attempt at switching back into electrical engineering.

It just never got published. But the bulk of what I wanted to share follows.

I struggled with this a lot. Seeking enjoyment vs. bitter satisfaction at my previous job. Government benefits vs. risky “private” sector. I can’t say I have it figured all out. I can’t even tell biblically what the “right” answer is, if there is any. Was it wrong to leave a job because I didn’t like it? To phrase it differently, was it right to seek a job that I (presumably) enjoyed? I received a wide gamut of opinions, and it turns out everybody’s convictions differ.

Let me tell you: it has been a roller coaster. From being rejected to positions I was so sure I would get an offer to being tempted to apply outside of San Diego to being offered a position I wasn’t legally allowed to take (I found out afterward… I know, right?). For someone whose emotions are a little more fickle than he wishes, I have been all around the place.

With that said, there are some things I learned through this whole process, and I would like to share them with you.

1. I am the greatest sinner I know. There is no one who is more deserving of hell than I am. There are so many compromises I made and so many excuses I gave in order to be where I am today. Some were probably more justified than others, but in the end many of them were going back on what I had originally planned. But more than that, I saw my heart… and it wasn’t pretty.
2. I am the biggest hypocrite I know. I would always tell other people to focus on the gospel to find their satisfaction. And that is the primary message I told myself as well. But I still found myself moving to and fro depending on the circumstance. It was so hard hiding this, but I cared too much for my image to let this one fail.
3. I am the most devout idol worshiper I know. What occupied my thoughts the most were the visions of myself sitting where I was 10 years.. 20 years.. 30 years from now doing exactly what I was doing. And every time I thought that, I would dream of someone who was doing something more exciting. The thoughts of grandeur.
4. God is the most forgiving person I know. Because I am the most sinful, I think it goes without saying that I am forgiven the most. All the tossing and turning I did, all the tantrums I threw, all the questioning and doubting… Forgiven. By the one person who has the ultimate power to forgive.
5. God is the most loving person I know. I was reminded once again that God loves me. And I don’t say this just because I did finally get the job. I say it knowing all the different ways he has revealed himself throughout this whole process. The amount of sheer grace I have been shown is incomprehensible.

Are these truths new? Not entirely. But they are new in the way I have experienced them. And I am excited for the ways I would witness them new again.

That should keep me in the green for another few months… Just kidding!

 

Faithful Wounds

When you read a passage and want to understand it, you reread it, you read the commentaries, you meditate on it, you pray about it, you hear it preached on and expounded over and over again, you think you got it figured out. You think you’re an expert on it. You go around sharing what you learned because it moved you. You think you somehow mastered it. But not until you hear it as a loving rebuke from a friend does the truth and application of the text come alive. This isn’t always the case, of course, but for someone who thought he had it figured it out, it was quite possibly the most glorious way for it to happen.

Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
Proverbs 27:5-6

I am so grateful for friends who would have the courage and the love to confront me on my sins. I pray every Christian would have a friend that could challenge them at a level so profound that we would otherwise be completely ignorant, even when we think we have it figured out.

 

John Piper on the Prosperity Gospel

I’m overdue; I know. But I thought a quick video someone made on Youtube was very encouraging to me personally, especially as I am prone to forget what my joy is. I should warn you: John Piper uses strong language and graphic examples. Here you go:

 

 

Let Us Love And Sing And Wonder

I frequent this song. It’s a good one.

Let Us Love And Sing And Wonder
Jars Of Clay

Let us love and sing and wonder
Let us praise the Savior’s name
He has hushed the law’s loud thunder
He has quenched Mt. Sinai’s flame

Let us love the Lord who bought us
Pitied us when enemies
Called us by His grace and taught us
Gave us ears and gave us eyes

He has washed us with His blood
He has washed us with His blood
He has washed us with His blood
He presents our souls to God

Let us wonder grace and justice
Join and point to mercy’s store
When through grace in Christ our trust is
Justice smiles and asks no more

He who washed us with his blood
He who washed us with his blood
He who washed us with his blood
Has secured our way to God

Let us praise and join the chorus
Of the saints enthroned on high
Here they trusted him before us
Now their praises fill the sky

He has washed us with his blood
He has washed us with his blood
He has washed us with his blood
He has washed us with his blood
He will bring us home to God

 

Purge Me of My Judgmentalism

It almost seems like saying I shouldn’t care what others do. But no, God, you know better.

God, I want you to purge me of judgmentalism. It’s strange, that “-ism” suffix. Makes it seem like a religion, a systematic school of thought or actions. Materialism. Communism. Pragmatism.

No, Father. I want you to purge me of judging others for their externals. I understand that there is a need to judge, in a sense. There is a need to judge whether one is a sheep or a wolf in sheep’s clothing. There is a need to judge who we should follow and who we should encourage others to follow.

I get it. There are those who have to make the hard decisions. The elders, the deacons, the people in position of responsibility. They need to judge who is qualified for what role, who should be placed in what position so that others may kneel before God through those godly men and women.

We are constantly put in a position to judge, yet I am asking to purge my heart of judgmentalism. I am asking ultimately to see the sinfulness in my own eyes. I am like a Pharisee who does not bother taking the log out of his own eyes.

My trials are not their trials. My means are not their means. My wisdom is not their wisdom. Wisdom, in a sense, is relative. Put two godly people in the same scenario, and it is possible for them to pick two different choices.

I have so many of my own sins. Why would I quibble in my heart regarding others’?

I take pity on those who are not of the same background. Not someone who was taught the Bible in the NAS or the ESV. I take pity on those who are egalitarian, who are old-earth creationists, who drive nice cars, who have nice houses and nice toys, who visit casinos, who drink, who break the speeding limit. I take pity because I think I know better. I think I know better. How pitiful of me to take pity on others.

God, you are the ultimate Judge. You are the supreme Judge. You place in my life those who should judge. But not me, not now. You ask me to love, to encourage, to build up, to pray, to worship. No, no.. you demand it.

Open my eyes to the brokenness of my own heart. Help me understand I am no better than they. I am the worst sinner I know. Help me judge me.

 

Bread of the Hungry

“It is the bread of the hungry which moulders in thy cupboard; it is the garment of the naked that hangs useless in thy chamber; it is the gold of the poor which lieth rusting in thy chest.”

- St. Basil the Great, quoted in Ministries of Mercy (pg. 77)

 

True Humility

“True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.”

- Tim Keller, Ministries of Mercy (pg. 64)

 

The Process is the Real Result

My mind has gotten rather comfortable with pursuing tangible results rather than focusing on the process. Perhaps it’s only natural that my flesh longs after what the world values. The corporate world values higher earnings, higher stock prices, happy stockholders. To meet that end, employees justify their tireless work schedules. Bible reading is put aside, prayers are lifted hurriedly, people are unloved, and service is unjoyful. We who have attended college know that this can be applied academically as well. The list goes on.

I forget that the process is the true result God desires to see. In the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30, Jesus teaches of the Master who congratulated the servants who were “faithful over little.” While the time will come when God eventually judges us for our works as Christians, I daresay He will weigh the results heavier than the process. He will look at how we approached our work, how we balanced our time, how we witnessed to those around us, how we studied (and took) that test in school. He won’t care much for the higher bonus or the higher test grade. He won’t care that we bought that condo or that house.

I believe the servants who earned two-fold for their investment were given praise and reward because of the process. They were first given the talents from God, right? So that means they had to use those talents, and God blessed them with good, tangible results. If they invested and the servants didn’t receive anything additional, I think God would have been still pleased because they invested those talents in the first place. God would have blessed them in a different way from the servants who received two-fold.

Now look at the servant who stashed away the one talent. When the Master came back to ask him, what did he say? He said, “Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground.” What an excuse. What a lie. He blames the Master for his own inadequacy. God gave him the opportunity to invest the one talent, but he complained it was too hard and did what was convenient.

Is that how we approach our disciplines? Is that how we witness to our co-workers and classmates? Is that how we love our brothers and sisters?

The process is what matters. As long as I understand this, God will take care of the tangible result whether it’s the way I want or not. I cannot lord over what results I want to see; I am not God. Whether I fail miserably or pass with flying colors, God will be sovereign over it. Whether I get that promotion or get laid off, God will be sovereign over it. Human responsibility lies insofar as what we have been given. We cannot control what happens in the end. We are responsible for the process, not the result. And with all this, we need God’s grace to abound in us ever more.