Oh, jeez.. my last post was in April? Fail. Actually, I have been meaning to post here since about a month ago when I found out I got a new job.
On second thought, if I remember correctly, I wanted to post this right before I got this new job. Because I wrote this back in mid-June:
Many of you know that I have been searching for a new job. It began about 9 months ago. Well, it’s about to end. I had what is conceivably my last interview for a position I think I would enjoy very much. If I don’t get this, I’m going to fold this chapter of my life and devote myself fully to my current job. Sure, it’s not the most enjoyable, but I think I’ve spent enough time searching for another one. And the opportunity window is closing very fast, if not already. I considered this last job application my last, realistic attempt at switching back into electrical engineering.
It just never got published. But the bulk of what I wanted to share follows.
I struggled with this a lot. Seeking enjoyment vs. bitter satisfaction at my previous job. Government benefits vs. risky “private” sector. I can’t say I have it figured all out. I can’t even tell biblically what the “right” answer is, if there is any. Was it wrong to leave a job because I didn’t like it? To phrase it differently, was it right to seek a job that I (presumably) enjoyed? I received a wide gamut of opinions, and it turns out everybody’s convictions differ.
Let me tell you: it has been a roller coaster. From being rejected to positions I was so sure I would get an offer to being tempted to apply outside of San Diego to being offered a position I wasn’t legally allowed to take (I found out afterward… I know, right?). For someone whose emotions are a little more fickle than he wishes, I have been all around the place.
With that said, there are some things I learned through this whole process, and I would like to share them with you.
- I am the greatest sinner I know. There is no one who is more deserving of hell than I am. There are so many compromises I made and so many excuses I gave in order to be where I am today. Some were probably more justified than others, but in the end many of them were going back on what I had originally planned. But more than that, I saw my heart… and it wasn’t pretty.
- I am the biggest hypocrite I know. I would always tell other people to focus on the gospel to find their satisfaction. And that is the primary message I told myself as well. But I still found myself moving to and fro depending on the circumstance. It was so hard hiding this, but I cared too much for my image to let this one fail.
- I am the most devout idol worshiper I know. What occupied my thoughts the most were the visions of myself sitting where I was 10 years.. 20 years.. 30 years from now doing exactly what I was doing. And every time I thought that, I would dream of someone who was doing something more exciting. The thoughts of grandeur.
- God is the most forgiving person I know. Because I am the most sinful, I think it goes without saying that I am forgiven the most. All the tossing and turning I did, all the tantrums I threw, all the questioning and doubting… Forgiven. By the one person who has the ultimate power to forgive.
- God is the most loving person I know. I was reminded once again that God loves me. And I don’t say this just because I did finally get the job. I say it knowing all the different ways he has revealed himself throughout this whole process. The amount of sheer grace I have been shown is incomprehensible.
Are these truths new? Not entirely. But they are new in the way I have experienced them. And I am excited for the ways I would witness them new again.
That should keep me in the green for another few months… Just kidding!
